The only reason they say “Women and children first” is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars, but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
In hotel rooms, I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind: every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I’m a billionaire.
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.