Philosophers of the Past Century with apologies to our Millenials

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Jean Kerr…

The only reason they say “Women and children first” is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

 

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Prince Philip…

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

 

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Emo Philips…

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

 

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Harrison Ford…

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

 

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Spike Milligan…

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

 

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Jean Rostand…

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.

 

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Arnold Schwarzenegger…

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars, but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.

 

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WH Auden…

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

 

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Jonathan Katz…

In hotel rooms, I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

 

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Johnny Carson…

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

 

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Warren Tantum… (School photo album).

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.

 

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Steve Martin…

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

 

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Jimmy Durante…

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

 

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Doug Hanwell…

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

 

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George Roberts…

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

 

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Jonathan Winters…

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

 

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Robert Benchley…

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

 

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John Glenn…

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind: every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

 

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David Letterman…

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

 

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Howard Hughes…

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I’m a billionaire.

 

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Old Italian proverb…

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.